“Man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.”
― Bhagavad Gita
When I was 18, I got caught in a heavy mental health storm. I didn’t drown. But it took me a long time to learn to swim.
First it got called “Depression” and turned into therapy and SSRIs. Digging for root causes. Anaesthetizing the “imbalance.”
The label helped me to feel not at fault and it softened the jagged edges. But it also excused me from taking chances. Or even doing the darn basics, like eating properly or moving around outside.
I dragged it around with me for years. Though it changed shape somewhere up Lake Ontario.
It became a lightning show they called “ADHD.” And came with ritalin. Hyper focus on things I didn’t care about during the day. At night, burnt out beyond being able to care about anything at all.
“I just can’t focus” I heard myself say over and over. Anything to explain why I wasn’t moving forward. Why I kept leaving things half done.
According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the grandfather of Flow, “control of consciousness determines the quality of life.” Which is of negative consolation when consciousness feels anything but in control.
Finally, and surprisingly, some blue sky taunted me when my girlfriend of 7 years (and 7 “breaks”) left the country. She wanted more. And I understood.
“You can just do that?” I marveled. Maybe I could do something, too.
I had always wanted to get better. But now my main social fibres were severed, so I needed to rebuild. Action, however small, seemed both possible and imperative. That finally got me pulling at the ripcord, instead of staring at a motionless engine.
After I’d built up some social strength and flexibility, it was time to do the same physically. And lucky for me the combination brought me to the hot yoga studio.
I got hooked. But, to my surprise, not for the fitness or the women. For the way the mental exercise helped me accept my mind. It helped my body feel more spacious for sure, but it was the distance from my thoughts that made the biggest difference.
“Yoga allows you to find a new kind of freedom that you may not have known even existed.”
—B.K.S. Iyengar, Light on Life
Formerly esoteric quotes started to make a bit of sense. The practice of noticing tension and slowly exhaling through it sounds so simple. Though any physical habit probably would have helped.
After months I noticed something else rebuild: my focus. I could devote attention outside my own turmoil. And that turned out to be a hidden pre-requisite for an upward spiral.
To be clear, the storm has never totally gone away. But it no longer defines me.
Somewhere along the way I realized something. The “Depression” and “ADHD” labels were life rafts that probably saved me from catastrophe—but they sure didn’t teach me how to swim.
—
Thank you Stella Vanstone, , , , and
for all the thoughtful help and encouragement on this one.
“If people can't think clearly about anything that has become part of their identity, then all other things being equal, the best plan is to let as few things into your identity as possible.”
—Paul Graham, Keep Your Identity Small
“Everything that we are, is the result of habit. That gives us consolation, because if it is only habit, we can make and unmake it at any time.”
― Patanjali, Patanjali Yoga Sutras
“Love is that micro-moment of warmth and connection that you share with another living being… Love draws you out of your cocoon of self-absorption to attune to others. Love allows you to really see another person, holistically, with care, concern, and compassion.”
― Barbara L. Fredrickson, Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become
Phil this turned out great! I love this story that shows personal growth, resilience, self-motivation, and also honesty in the challenges and that it takes work but it's worth it. Your story will help so many see that they can do the same for themselves. Nice work.