Tense-relax-respond, all day long
Responsiveness: it's a beautiful thing to give and get
A certain 11-month old puts me to the test pretty consistently: How quickly can I turn a knee-jerk reaction into a graceful response? Tense up, catch myself, try to relax, then respond.
Tense-relax-respond, tense-relax-respond. All day long.
Honestly feels like it has become my life's work. Though maybe I just didn't notice that, really, it always has been.
This is a collection about how it's a beautiful thing to give and get wise responses. That we long for them instead of quick reactions or, worse yet, getting nothing at all. And how we might summon more of the good stuff.
Inspired by Sasha Chapin. Featuring lots of quotes, thoughts on responsiveness imbalance and stretching vs. straining. And a photo of someone's first daycare visit 🥺
🎧 Typed to The Look by Metronomy.
"When you say anything at all, she turns her whole person towards you, and you are the fixed point of the universe. The moment after you speak, she replies in a way that makes it clear she’s listened to you with every ounce of her...
The power of responsiveness extends past the domain of social charm... Responsiveness is a core human need/desire... People are happy enough rich, and people are happy enough poor. But it’s hard to imagine anyone happy without a feeling that their actions have some impact, however small... Life is good if it squishes nicely when you poke it...
When people put energy into you, attune to it, and give them harmonious energy back."
— Sasha Chapin, What the humans like is responsiveness
Highly recommend.
"I ain't doing this shit for nothin"
— Ja Rule, I'm Real by J.Lo
Being 1 of many to someone who is 1 of 1 to you is a clear power imbalance. Less appreciated is that it's a responsiveness imbalance. One side has more capacity to respond well than the other.
Leaders who call their team "a family", affair-havers, and celebs acting "approachable" share a trait: they try to obscure the imbalance.
Sasha Chapin: "What if (burnout) is partially a failure of responsiveness? Emmett Shear thinks something along these lines"
"If you had to compress (the regrets of the dying) into a single piece of advice, it might be: don't be a cog... who shrinks himself into a shape that fits his circumstances, then turns dutifully till he stops."
— Paul Graham, The Top of My Todo List
Could the ultimate of all regrets also comes from a failure of responsiveness? Not of the world failing to respond to us, but of us failing to be responsive to our friends, our family, our inner desires?
Sasha Chapin: "But there are even worse feelings than being a cog—at the very least, that role involves the transfer of mechanical energy. What’s worse is just feeling like a banana lying in the dust."
"Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone...
The stairs are your mentor of things to come, the doors have always been there to frighten you and invite you, and the tiny speaker in the phone is your dream-ladder to divinity.
​Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation."
— David Whyte, Everything is Waiting for You (from 5-Bullet Friday newsletter)
"I am telling you you gotta pay attention this time. When life reaches out at a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back, I'm telling you its a sin if you don't reach back!"
— Pat Sr./Robert De Niro's crescendo speech (spoiler) in Silver Linings Playbook
🎧 Reason number 4917992 to love this movie: it gave us Always Alright by Alabama Shakes.
Root emotions usually refer to anger, fear, sadness, joy, attraction, disgust, shame, surprise.
Stretching vs. straining
The difference between stretching and straining is a sense of ease.
When tissue lengthens there is a reflexive tension. Stretching happens when you can relax it away. Strain happens when you can't.
Stretching makes tissue more malleable and ready to respond to future surprises. Straining doesn't. Straining leads to more rigidity.
A muscle needs to be flexible to respond skilfully. And I think that goes for people, too.
Tense-relax-respond. All day long
